FIVE Questions for PB
1. Describe your first sexual experience
Well, I first started thinking about sex as a kid. I would have fantasies about seeing my favorite cartoons naked. GI Joes, Thundercats, Voltron…I had weird thoughts about Duke and Scarlett wet kissing, Cheetara rubbing her girl/cat parts with her extendable pole vault staff thing…and a giant robot taking a hot soapy shower.
When I turned 19, my dad was worried, he thought I was gay, so he sent me to his hooker. She was dressed as a nun and she made me read the bible. I was so scared that I read the whole thing front to back. There are stories in the bible that are quite erotic, it got me excited. The nun was very gentle with me. Although she was in her late 60s, she knew how to please the late bloomer that I was. It wasnt until years later that I found out that I actually went to a church and missed the brothel by a few blocks.
2. What is one thing that annoys you?
I hate people who take karaoke way too seriously. But then I also hate people who fuck it up. Like if youre going to sing "This Is How You Do It", dont be a fucking retard.
3. If you were a teacher, what class would you teach...and why?
I think I could teach Health Education because I really care about the human body. And I would have access to cool old Health Ed Films about the human body, I would watch those over and over again through an old projector. Those are way cool!
4.If you could just say one sentence to the most beautiful woman youve ever seen, what would it be?
Id say something like: I know well probably never get pass this one sentence but I just wanted to talk to the most beautiful woman I have ever seen an d never stop to pause or leave room for grammatical raison dêtre which is French and Im not really sure what language you speak or understand for that matter because I only have the one chance this one sentence to say to you the most beautiful woman who I have ever seen and have no clue what your name is or if youre even married oh I guess you are from what I see of the ring on your finger and the large man with tattoos coming at me and I appreciate the time we spent together and Ill never forget this one sentence youve given me to share with you and your hotness boobies smoking butt legs shaved vagina.
5.If you opened up your own expensive drug rehab center, what would you call it?
"Quitters" because I find that places that are simply named after what theyre there for are quite effective. Like "Hooters" or "Borders." Effectiveness through name association.
5 Questions for J
1. In a street fight, what would be your weapon of choice?
I would crush my attackers skull with my IPOD. Then I would=2 0pick up my bloody MP3 tool of death and ironically listen to my AFTER MURDER playlist.
2. Describe your perfect date.
A "C-cup" with legs picks me up at my apartment in her car. She asks me, "What do you want to do, Sexy J?" Im all like, "I dont really know." Upon hearing this half-hearted response, she licks her lips and replies, "Your indecisiveness is turning me on." We then go to a restaurant of my choice where she makes it clear that since I was kind enough to ask her to go out on the date, then she should at least be kind enough to pay for the meal and drinks. I immediately comply with this and say with a mozzarella stick eating grin, "OK, but I get tip." Then she opens her porn star mouth and utters, "Sure, as long as I get the tip later." After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, I put 6 and 9 together and yell out, "Oh you mean my penis tip! I just got that!" The waiter bites his fist at either my dates raw sexual energy or my slow reaction to an obvious sexual double entendre. She pays the bill and asks me if I would think she was a whore if she drove us to a hotel so we could "fuck like giraffes." On the drive to the hotel she shows me a blood test dated "This Morning" that states she is "disease free" and "ready to be f ucked without risk". As soon as we get into the room she rips off my clothes and causes every part of my body to get an erection, which I cleverly called a "body erection". I proceed to return the sexual favor. As I traveled down her secret garden, I am surprised to find a batch of Mrs. Fields Cookies strategically placed on the left hand corner of her thighs. I pop my head back up and attempt to ask, "But how did you...." She puts her rubbing finger on my lips and says, "Shhhhh.....Just enjoy your cookies and vagina." The rest of the night is a blur, probably due to the angel dust she put in the cookies....or in the vagina. She drives me home and promises to "try out some unpronounceable sexual positions" next time our privates meet. I go to sleep thinking to myself, "That was the perfect date."
3. If you found a bag of money, what would you do?
Keep it. But not tell anyone about it. Not even God. Ill just be the guy that treats everyone for no reason. And people will admire me because everyone likes a guy who treats. I will continue this act of generosity until someone starts questioning why I always seem to be picking up the check. This person will inevitably try to push my buttons by calling me a "hotshot." I will gladly burn the rest of my bag money over this20scumbags dead body and come to the realization that money isnt everything.
4. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
My parents catching me crying while watching Short Circuit 2 [the part where Johnny 5 almost gets beaten to death always made me lose it.] My father told me to stop acting like I was "missing a dick." And my mother kept screaming, "Hes not alive!!! Johnny 5 is not alive!!!!!! When will you fucking realize that?"
5. What is your favorite movie and favorite song?
My favorite movie is a classic soft porn flick called Busty Cops 2: Under Arrest and Under my Chest. It had twice as much thick chested police sluts as the first Busty Cops and wasnt as preachy as the ill- advised Busty Cops 3: Sex Crimes. My favorite song is a little known Tom Jones classic called "With These Hands". Dont remember the lyrics much....... but Im pretty sure in the song he is advocating sexual harassment in the workplace. And yes ladies, he makes it sound sexy as shit.
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